Slump but progress

These days,
I've been out of sorts more often.

The day before yesterday,
I felt bad since i got up.
I thought doing exercises sometimes helped to get better,
then i decided to go to gym as usual.
On the way to gym, tears flowed from my eyes.
But, i managed to get there and i started training.

Unfortunately, contrary to my expectation,
my feeling didn't get well.
In the end, everyone at the gym worried about me
and i was suggested to go home.

This situation had never happen
because i had never shown my negative aspects such as disorder, weakness.
I had always worn an iron mask to hide them.

When i was a company worker,
I was always trying to be perfect no matter how bad i felt.

Going to gym at 7 a.m and doing kickboxing,
then heading for my company via hospital.
Leaving my office earlier and going to hospital again.
But next morning,
doing exercises at the gym.

This circle was not unusual for me.

After all,
I had been to hospital to see my dad for a month after he told me he was in the final stage of cancer.
I hided it from my mom and my friends and　pretended.

Since i was little,
I'm used to hiding and pretending.

I think i had strong strong desires like
"wanna act as people expect"
"wanna show myself as a good person."

In addition,
I could not have realized "i am not O.K."
because everyone had done their best, including me.
If I accepted the results wasn't "OK",
I could not even take a breath.

G'm not a god so I reached my limit.
There would be no forms of life that are always fine.

Last summer was the time when i couldn't force myself to do something beyond my limit any more.

After that,
I come to be easily to express my negative side.
More accurately,
I'm no longer able to hide such a thing.

Occasionally, losing ability turns "progress".

There're so many things that i'm no longer to do now.
But at the same time,
I became able to do something.
These are very rudiments.

I think i still hide something by myself
because i'm getting in trouble if i face what i hide.

Every single day,
I fight with myself to be free.

Physical training never gives me strength.
I know.
But, i'm happy to be better kicker.

MK