Can't push myself any more...

"I can't work hard any more.
I've reached my limit..."

This is what i said when i totally broke down both mentally and physically last summer.
Since then,
there's been nothing i could do.
Even i try to do something,
I just always fail.

Ever since i was born,
I'd been working hard.
I threw myself so fiercely that i forget the purpose.

My first mission of my life was "to protect my mam my. "
That was why i had a thought that
"the devorce of my parent =my failure of the mission. "
Although i didn't realize that...

In addition,
I have been "unusual" since i was born.
So i had thought i had gave my mother extra burden due to my abnormality.
Pushed by this situation, i'd tried to work as hard as possible.
However, unfortunately, it was more than i could handle
because i was the sort of that people called "alien."
Then, last summer was the time when i reached my limit.

"I cannot go on any futher... "
I shouted and cried to my mam over the phone.

At that time,
I just wanted her to forgive me for giving up.
I lost track of the reason why i had devoted myself.

For me,
working hard was the meaning of my existence.

I became incompetent.
Everything didn't make sense to me.
There was nothing to motivate me to keep my existence.

I could feel only suffer, sadness and pain.

One day, suddenly,
I noticed.

Since last summer,
My mam and i made more phone calls, partly for checking whether i was o.k..
Even doing so,
My mam and I often failed to come to understand each other
and as such i got angry and hanged up the phone.

Everytime such a thing happened,
I always thought
"Why doesn't she get it??"
Unfortunately, however, it was wrong.

When i was asked,
"What do u wanna tell your mam??"
I froze and i couldn't find the very answer.

Then,
I kept thinking about it for many days
but there was no telling.

Later,
I was told,
"Hadn't u wanted to protect your mam??"

No way !!!
But this is the very answer.

I've been working so hard for my mam
because i had failed to do so once before.
That made me push myself much harder.
Until i forgot the purpose.
Until my mind and body broke down.

One day,
I asked my mam whether i had been as a guardian for her.
At a moment she didn't understand what i meant.
But later, she answered and said
"Thinking deeply, i've felt as if something protect me regardless of where you are.
You've been working so hard for me.
Well, from now on, you should live for yourself. "

Writing such a thing,
you might think i am a mammy's girl.
However,
I had hated my mam for almost all of my life.
But the reality is that
i had hidden my strong affection to her which was much bigger than the hatred.

"The greatest HATE springs from the greatest LOVE"

MK ;）