can't say sorry, but love you

At a moment,
my brain is out of order
so i'm trying to fix it up.

Since i was little,
I've been tackling with desire for a distructive urge.
The object of the act is everything, which includes human and things.
I often feel a desire for fading away when i have such a urge.

Even i erace myself,
my existence continues to exist.
So, breaking everything is the only way to delete myself as if i never existed.
As far as i can remember,
I have such a thought process.

By the way, for me,
"wanna pass away" doesn't mean "wanna disappear",
and neither "wanna quit being alive".
"Wanna stop living" is "wanna erace myself."

In the past,
I'd tried to escape from my world by motives of fading a few times.
In any cases,
I failed and i'm still here.

My purpose of destroying is not always to disappear.
Sometimes i break up, because i just wanna do it.
Unfortunately, after this attempt,
I'm not delighted.

Writing such a thought,
I'm so dangerous and i'm putting off as well.
But there's no help for it because it's true.
I think denying and ignoring this fact are more dangerous than not doing so,
because such a behavior would lead a big explosion later.

The world doesn't consist of only fine things.

Now,
all my words and deeds become counter to my intention.
But i can say this would be what i want.
No.
I don't know...

Well,
I give hurt all around.
It's not clear whether i want.

I have affection for the objects
although this destructive behavior is automatic.

It's automatic, so i can't make apologies.
This doesn't mean i don't wanna do so.
It's impossible for me to do that.

making an apology without heart is worse than not saying sorry.
That's why, i don't say sorry at a moment.
But i say i love you.

I have my own rule to say "love u", "thanks" and "sorry " immediately.
Because there's no guarantee to have next time.

I told the object that i have the destructive urge without any physical actions.
I had thought i couldn't given any hurt only with words.
However, i gave a shock.
This unexpected fact made me upset.
This result was completely the opposite of what i intended.

I'm searching my heart on this matter,
but i don't feel a sense of apology...
It's so complicated.

It's still only mid-Feb.
Spring is so far away from here.

While saying "wanna fade away" many times,
I think i'm the one with the stronger desire for living than one of others.
If not, i would never have such a thought.

"I wanna be able to think " i wanna live "
This is the word that i often shout while crying.

MK